No Regrets
by CoffeeKat
Summary: -HYxRP- A songfic inspired by No Regrets by Tom Rush. Heero and Relena go their separate ways


Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.  It belongs to Sunrise and other fortunate sons.  I also do not own the song No Regrets.  It belongs to Tom Rush.  

The Wonder Boys soundtrack (also not mine) is so incredibly worth the listen.  I could write a billion stories off of it.  This, however, is the one that stuck.  Give the song a listen.  Then read the fic.  Then listen to the song again.  Maybe it will resonate with you as it has with me.     

No Regrets

_I know your leaving's too long over due_

_For far too long I've had nothing new to show to you_

                Though the rain had let up since this morning, the tarmac and plane still retained a glossy, wet sheen.  Oppressive gray clouds had dispersed, and a thick slice of moon shone in the dusk, promising a clear flight.  She gazed at the airstrip through half lidded eyes, painfully conscious of the man beside her on the seat.  From the corner of her eye she could see his reflection, indistinct and transparent in the car window.  Trees and pavement rolled behind and through the dark profile.

                The car slowed, a soft jerk announcing their arrival to the riders.  Closed her eyes momentarily, gathering the strength to step outside the familiar comfort of the car.  He was already waiting, her bag in hand.  A dark expression graced his face, eyes turned to look at something within.  Heart breaking a million times every second, she took the quiet steps toward the small plane.   

                Silently he followed behind her, clutching at the carry-on with sweating hands.  At the foot of the stairs she paused, her shoulders sagging momentarily.  Such a slight sign of defeat, yet it caught in his throat, intensifying the pain flowing behind his eyes.  Impulsively his hand shot out to grasp her wrist, pulling her around to face him.

                She stiffened at the sudden contact, jerking her head to look over at him.  He tensed and looked down at the wet pavement, suddenly unable to speak.  Stepping down from the stairs, Relena moved closer to him.  Staring intently at him, she lifted a slim white hand, placing it lightly on his cheek.  Electricity shot through him at her touch, but his eyes still refused to meet her calm blue ones.  For a moment, an eternity they stood, just barely touching, eyes never meeting. 

                Her hand dropped dejectedly to her side, tears congregating at the corners of her eyes, and along the rim.  But he didn't raise his eyes to see it.  Calmly she took the carry-on bag from him, turning to complete the long walk up the staircase.  For a second his hand closed convulsively on her wrist before going limp and numb.

_With dry eyes I watched your plane_

_Fade off west of the moon_

_And it felt so strange_

_To walk away alone_

                He stood behind the black sedan, watching as the plane slowly took off into the darkening skies.  Above the stars were beginning to shimmer through the dusk haze, adding their twinkle to the weak illumination of the moon.  Finally he stirred, having waited until the plane disappeared into the far heavens.    Without a word he turned from the car and began to walk, boots crunching on the gravel road.

                Night silence fell swiftly, an undercurrent of crickets and far off cars broken only by the sole pair of footsteps.  Tonight he was painfully aware of the world around him, of his lonely ramble.  He hadn't realized how used accustomed he was to the sound of light, fast footsteps intermixed with his own.  Or how he missed her gentle voice.  Absent, too, was the soft swish of clothing and muted breathing.

                Again the pain grew behind his eyes, flowing in ribbons through his head, dull and aching.  This was for the best, he reminded himself, though deep within he raged against himself.  Even now he could feel the beginnings of depression, the mental torture for his decision.  Self inflicted punishment for pushing her away.  

                Their walks had often been silent, but tonight the stillness beat upon him.  It rang in his ears, and hushed his voice all the way home, which itself seemed longer and further than ever before.  The house was empty when he reached it, all the windows dark and curtained; a dying man's closed eyes.  Lamps were cheerless and light was intrusive.  Sliding onto the floor in darkness, he couldn't bring himself to sleep in their bed alone.    

_No regrets_

_No tears goodbye_

_Don't want you back_

_We'd only cry again_

_Say goodbye again_

_The hours that were yours echo like empty rooms_

_The thoughts we used to share_

I now keep alone 

                Morning light struck him full in the face; cold and gray from a sun hidden by ominous clouds.  Night on the floor had left him stiff and twisted, aches and kinks all through his back.  Memory flooded back, roaring through his head with pain and wind.  All desire to rise from the floor vanished beneath the assault.

Any moment he felt she would walk out the bathroom door, kick his feet or toss a towel at him; tell him to get up.  Waiting moments, the door never moved.  He never really expected it to.  Yet he still stared at it intently.  Groaning he forced himself onto his feet.

Only to be squarely confronted by his reflection, shining in her vanity mirror.  The top was barren and lonely, emptied of the make up and jewelry and hair accessories usually jumbled there.  Lying forlornly in a corner was an elastic, a few strands of gleaming gold caught in it.  Running one hand lightly along the dead desktop, he faced his reflection again.  Then shattered it with a single swift punch. 

                Hours had passed, the squares of light moving in their slow dance across the floor.  Still he lay, unable to find strength to stand.  No strength to encounter a house that echoed memories of her in every room.  No desire to feel her absence in every simple action.  No will to see the millions of possessions that screamed 'Relena' at him.  Blood dripped from his knuckles, congealing on the floorboards; opaque red on shining honey.

                Outside the day rolled away while Heero lay upon the floor.  Cars came and went outside, the telephone rang, jangling endlessly.  Nothing penetrated the thick malaise that had settled over him.  Sunlight came and went, but he took no heed.  Lost to the world on an inward journey.  Falling through the bottom of dizzying, downward spiral.      

_I woke last night and spoke to you_

_Not thinking you were gone_

_And it felt so strange _

_To lie awake alone_

                She woke immediately, bolting upright in bed, hands clutching at the coverlet.  Her hair was damp and sweaty, plastered to her back and forehead.  Her breath was raspy and ragged, clawing at the air.  

                "Heero…" she whispered, eyes squeezed shut in fear.  No comforting rumble greeted, no reassuring voice answered.  Cold air was her only embrace, a far sight from strong warm arms.  She grasped blankets tightly, pulling them up.  

                In the silent darkness shadows loomed, vast and frightening, encroaching on the bed.  The world was gray and blue, cold and humorless.  Relena shrank back against the headboard, bottom lip quivering with suppressed sobs.  Flicking on the bedside lamp only made the shadows blacker as the crowded around her little pool of yellow light.

                She shuddered again and ran her hands along her bare arms, feeling her skin prickle with goosebumps.  Drawing her blanketed knees up to her chest, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, resisting the urge to turn.  Her mind knew the bed was empty, despite her hearts wistful hopes. 

                Settled now in a tight little ball, clutching her bear close.  Black button eyes still shone in the moonlight, though the stitching on the mouth and nose was faded and worn.  The seams were beginning to fray, and the fur was becoming patchy.  Slightly darker stains, faded watermarks, showed, evidence of tearful trauma.

                She couldn't look at the windows, curtains blowing in the slight wind, casting dark shadows.  Or the door, solid and strong, but creaking ever so often.  She missed the creaks of their home, the sounds of an old house settling into its nocturnal rhythms.  Here the sounds were few and far between, echoing through the empty silence like shots.  Fear knotted her stomach, a slight nauseous feeling.  She didn't dare get up though, and walk into the shadowy space of her room.  Didn't dare step off the bed and expose herself to the darkness.  Softly she began to whisper to the bear, her voice weak and fearful, a curtain of hair hiding her from the bedroom.   

                "Heero…I know you're not around to hear, but I need someone to talk to…I need someone to make the shadows fade…"

_No regrets _

_No tears goodbye_

_Don't want you back_

_We'd only cry again_

_Say goodbye again_

_Our friends have tried to turn my nights to day_

_Strange faces in your place can't keep the ghosts away_

                He looked so forlorn standing on the stoop, the porch light turning his face yellow.  Even then, she couldn't ask him in.  Couldn't promise him a second date, or even a friendship.   Noin would be disappointed, but right now Relena didn't care.

                Her room glowed with night-lights.  The soft white lamps occupied every available outlet, luminous and comforting.  A surrogate reassurance.  Sighing, she tossed her purse and the black knit shawl onto a nearby chair.  Relief poured over her as she grabbed the cozy flannel pajamas.  The dress was tight and hard to breathe in, the straps digging into her shoulders.  It was too restricting for dancing, almost even for walking.  Mostly though, it was too black and dark.       

She scanned the bathroom carefully before daring to enter.  Even here lamps glowed, casting soft radiance on her reflection.  Pausing for a moment, she traced the mirror image with a hand.  Soft blonde hair had been pulled up tightly, too severe.  Blush couldn't hide the pallor of her cheeks, hollow and empty.  Her mouth pulled naturally into a frown, red and resigned.  Even her eyes had lost their allure, the boarded up windows of an abandoned home.  Tears began to come, spilling out in a mushy, hasty torrent.  

                Lurching out of the bathroom, she dropped the dress to the ground.  For a moment she stared at it, a pool of inky shadow against the light blue carpeting.  Tears still poured from red eyes.  Viciously, hatefully she kicked it, launching the dress into a dark corner of the room.  Heero had never liked the way that dress had looked on her.

                Relena collapsed onto the bed, not bothering with the blankets.  She was exhausted, mentally drained.  Slowly she slipped into a deep dreamless sleep, hands clenched tightly around the aged bear.  The soft luminosity of the nightlights reflected in its black button eyes.

_Just beyond the darkest hour_

_Just behind the dawn_

_Still feels so strange_

_To lead my life alone_

                He marked the end of the day with a precise red X.  Four months to the day had passed.  Tiredly he ran a hand through his bangs, pushing the unruly spikes away from his eyes.  The reality of that red X was striking.  He sank noiselessly onto the bed, feeling the stiff, clean sheets.  All around the shadows crawled, growing and shifting along the walls, settling everything in a sleepy gloom.  

He'd taken to sleeping in the empty guest room.  It was impersonal and composed.  Not saturated with memories like the rest of the house.  Dust had gathered on the photos in the living room, and the broken frames, and shattered glass left in the wake of one of his wrathful frenzies.  The kitchen shone, spotless and sterile.  Take out was preferred, if he ate at all.  Everything was left unmoved; all lay with her touch heavy upon them.  

He couldn't sleep tonight, not with that red X glaring luridly in his psyche.  Leaving the room, he paused, just a moment, outside the closed door to his right.  He hadn't dared to open it in months.  Couldn't bear to move across the threshold.  Just inches away lay the forsaken, melancholy bedroom they had shared.  Shut away, a vain attempt to try and forget bittersweet memories.  

Not tonight.  Opening that portal would release no sunshine.  Wistfully he listened for the echo of a cheery voice beyond.  Knowing he would hear only the quiet wheezing of the wind.  The doorknob beckoned, calling to be opened.  Not tonight.  Tonight was no time to try and face the onslaught held at bay by the door.

The stars shone crisply in the clear fall darkness, the wind brisk and chilling.  Heero walked swiftly away from the dejected little house, unwilling to return until the morning sunshine cleared away the shadows.  He had physically picked himself off the floor four months ago.  Mentally, he would never rise. 

She had thrown the bear against the wall.  It was a petulant, immature action.  The bear glared at her in confusion.  It could not understand the significance of four months, nor would it want to.  Relena gave the teddy one more quick look before turning on her heel and stomping out of the bedroom.   

   She knew she was slowly going crazy, that her mind was playing tricks again.  However the bear's glare did have an uncanny resemblance to a certain other she knew so well.  Sighing heavily she ran a hand through her loose blonde hair.  This was the green little park near her apartment.  A wave of relief washed over her as she sprawled beneath the trees.  

Some of the branches were bare, stripped for fall.  On others dry, withered leaves still clung tenuously, a thin strand all that held them to the tree.  They would fall eventually, they always did.  As soon as a strong breeze threatened them, the leaves disengaged.  They would spiral off; leave the tree alone and exposed.

 A few leaves were there, green and healthy, or blazing yellow and red.  In the night, though, all were black silhouettes against an opaque sky.  Stars shone up above, cold and far away.  So alien to the Earth, to life, unfazed by her misery and darkness.  The only darkness they knew was the vast, majestic space.  Her entire life was a mere blink in the span of the fiery, ardent celestial lights.  Four months a heartbeat.  

  Caught between the teeming, brief humanity of the Earth and the cold, infinite calm of space she lay, a single soul being stretched to thin.  Nothing mattered but the diffident lights far above and the solid earth beneath her.  Her self was forgotten for a heartbeat, for an eternity.  She fell into the broiling, imperfect human society; worlds of color and passion, emotion and endless noise.  She ascended into the silent, solitary space; distances too great to comprehend, glorious beauty in isolation.  And with the chilling, awakening breath of wind she flooded back into Relena.  No isolated star, nor self-concerned life.  A wind, between the Earth and the heavens.

_No regrets_

_No tears goodbye_

_Don't want you back_

_We'd only cry again_

_Say goodbye again_


End file.
